After twerkgate, James Arthur's Twitter meltdown and the ubiquity of Gary Barlow, all present resolve that something has to be done
*MEETING CALLED TO ORDER BY CHAIR GARY BARLOW. MEMBERS PRESENT:* Miley Cyrus, Sam Bailey, Sinéad O'Connor, Jimmy Iovine, Avicii, Simon Cowell, Beyoncé Knowles (with apologies for lateness), Terry Richardson.
*MEMBERS NOT PRESENT: *Adele (pre-arranged).
*1. ANNOUNCEMENTS
*
The chair stated that he was pleased with the choice of digestive biscuits following the debacle of the last meeting's "overly jazzy" iced rings.
*2. MATTERS ARISING
*
*a) *Motion from Sam Bailey to install BPM limiters in all recording studios.
Vote: 4 in favour, 4 opposed.
Resolved: Motion carried following casting vote from Mr Barlow.
*b)* Motion from Sinéad O'Connor for Miley Cyrus to put clothes on.
Vote: 7 in favour, 1 opposed.
Resolved: Motion carried.
*c)* Motion from Terry Richardson for Miley Cyrus to keep clothes off.
Vote: 1 in favour, 7 opposed.
Resolved: Motion declined.
*d)* Motion from Simon Cowell, on behalf of James Arthur, for various tweets to be permanently struck from the record.
Vote: 8 opposed.
Resolved: James Arthur dropped.
*3. REVIEW OF IMPLEMENTATION OF STEPS TO MINIMISE PITBULL IN 2013
*
All observed that this had not gone particularly well, with numerous singles making their way to international radio and TV audiences. J.Lo, Christina Aguilera and Ke$ha identified as main causes. Electronic tagging proposed for 2014.
*4. 2014 PROJECTIONS
*
*a) Sales*. It was proposed that Adele and Emeli Sandé will each release an album in 2014 and the entire music industry will go to the pub for one month.
*b)* *Production costs*. Florence Welch has requested a new harp by April. Terry Richardson suggested this cost could be offset by cut in clothing budget.
*c)* *Workforce*. In an effort to achieve economies of scale in 2014, Sia will be tasked with writing all songs, again. Pharrell Williams will be on standby.
*d)* *Expansion*. Robbie Williams is thinking of buying some stilts because they might look quite funny in a video.
*5. CLOSING REMARKS
*
Mr Barlow raised concerns that the meeting's refreshment had been too stimulating, and requested dry Ryvita and Kia-Ora in future. Rita Ora proposed as a compromise.
*6. AGENDA FOR THE NEXT MEETING
*
*1. *Thom Yorke is still threatening a PowerPoint presentation on Spotify royalties.
*2.* Look into a safe sanctuary around the M25 where former members of JLS can roam free.
*3.* Eurovision 2015 is almost upon us. This could be Morrissey's time.
*4.* Daft Punk to discuss nocturnal lottery idea.
*5.* Miley Cyrus to present findings of investigation into long-term impact of Robin Thicke in the twerkplace.
*MEETING ADJOURNED* Reported by guardian.co.uk 12 hours ago.
*MEETING CALLED TO ORDER BY CHAIR GARY BARLOW. MEMBERS PRESENT:* Miley Cyrus, Sam Bailey, Sinéad O'Connor, Jimmy Iovine, Avicii, Simon Cowell, Beyoncé Knowles (with apologies for lateness), Terry Richardson.
*MEMBERS NOT PRESENT: *Adele (pre-arranged).
*1. ANNOUNCEMENTS
*
The chair stated that he was pleased with the choice of digestive biscuits following the debacle of the last meeting's "overly jazzy" iced rings.
*2. MATTERS ARISING
*
*a) *Motion from Sam Bailey to install BPM limiters in all recording studios.
Vote: 4 in favour, 4 opposed.
Resolved: Motion carried following casting vote from Mr Barlow.
*b)* Motion from Sinéad O'Connor for Miley Cyrus to put clothes on.
Vote: 7 in favour, 1 opposed.
Resolved: Motion carried.
*c)* Motion from Terry Richardson for Miley Cyrus to keep clothes off.
Vote: 1 in favour, 7 opposed.
Resolved: Motion declined.
*d)* Motion from Simon Cowell, on behalf of James Arthur, for various tweets to be permanently struck from the record.
Vote: 8 opposed.
Resolved: James Arthur dropped.
*3. REVIEW OF IMPLEMENTATION OF STEPS TO MINIMISE PITBULL IN 2013
*
All observed that this had not gone particularly well, with numerous singles making their way to international radio and TV audiences. J.Lo, Christina Aguilera and Ke$ha identified as main causes. Electronic tagging proposed for 2014.
*4. 2014 PROJECTIONS
*
*a) Sales*. It was proposed that Adele and Emeli Sandé will each release an album in 2014 and the entire music industry will go to the pub for one month.
*b)* *Production costs*. Florence Welch has requested a new harp by April. Terry Richardson suggested this cost could be offset by cut in clothing budget.
*c)* *Workforce*. In an effort to achieve economies of scale in 2014, Sia will be tasked with writing all songs, again. Pharrell Williams will be on standby.
*d)* *Expansion*. Robbie Williams is thinking of buying some stilts because they might look quite funny in a video.
*5. CLOSING REMARKS
*
Mr Barlow raised concerns that the meeting's refreshment had been too stimulating, and requested dry Ryvita and Kia-Ora in future. Rita Ora proposed as a compromise.
*6. AGENDA FOR THE NEXT MEETING
*
*1. *Thom Yorke is still threatening a PowerPoint presentation on Spotify royalties.
*2.* Look into a safe sanctuary around the M25 where former members of JLS can roam free.
*3.* Eurovision 2015 is almost upon us. This could be Morrissey's time.
*4.* Daft Punk to discuss nocturnal lottery idea.
*5.* Miley Cyrus to present findings of investigation into long-term impact of Robin Thicke in the twerkplace.
*MEETING ADJOURNED* Reported by guardian.co.uk 12 hours ago.
